I DREAM.....

As I hold fingers of my son,patting him to sleep,I remember those days when his Autism was declared,,,Those days were wrought with worries about his future,worries of my relation with him,and a fear whether I would get to see his special smile for me or I will get a love filled hug from him as all my knowledge of Autism was all about lack of emotions,alienation from the world all around and lack of social skills.He was my first born and definitely I had beautiful dreams of days ahead but now it was a question of just about surviving day by day.As any of autism parents would agree that with the diagnosis not only we start working on our child but also on ourselves.We start honing our patience,our parenting skills,to expect less and lesser,to live in present not hoping for anything but just to accept whatever comes our way.It is also about setting high standards for ourselves as initially it is a battle with ourselves and to fight this struggle called life on behalf of our children also.To reason with our self when he is crying his heart out and our helplessness in not knowing how to calm the child as we just do not know what is troubling the kid...looking at him with a hope of getting a cue as to what is distressing him is tough call for any parent not just us.
Now in spite of all these conditions trying me day in and day out,I would be a liar if I say I say that I have stopped seeing dreams about my child.I dream of being a good human being.I have sense of relief since the day I realized he was not lacking in emotions and empathy.I still remember the day when kabir had scalded himself accidentally when hew was just three and he was crying bitterly.I did not know how to make him understand what had happened or how to explain that pain will go away...I myself started crying badly and someone wiped my tears gently.I looked up to find my son wiping his tears simultaneously and telling me not to worry ,that everything would be fine.I cried even more,not because I was worried about his burn but because I was relieved to have found my son embracing me,taking on the role of comforter,when all that I was worried about injury.I still cry whenever I remember those moments and smile simultaneously.Since then so many days have passed and my son never stops surprizing me.One day he offered me my inhaler and a glass of water when I was having asthma bout,the other day he was patting my back when i choked on my food.
I dream of him being a success in his life.I don't dream of him being a doctor or an engineer but i dream of him being a self -reliant person.I dream of him being accepted as a part of our society when no one will deny to play with him,or when he would be invited to all the birthday parties that happen around us.I dream of the days when I will send out for chores on his own without being worried whether he would be able to find his way back home.I know it is a long struggle ahead but I dream on.