I DREAM.....

As I hold fingers of my son,patting him to sleep,I remember those days when his Autism was declared,,,Those days were wrought with worries about his future,worries of my relation with him,and a fear whether I would get to see his special smile for me or I will get a love filled hug from him as all my knowledge of Autism was all about lack of emotions,alienation from the world all around and lack of social skills.He was my first born and definitely I had beautiful dreams of days ahead but now it was a question of just about surviving day by day.As any of autism parents would agree that with the diagnosis not only we start working on our child but also on ourselves.We start honing our patience,our parenting skills,to expect less and lesser,to live in present not hoping for anything but just to accept whatever comes our way.It is also about setting high standards for ourselves as initially it is a battle with ourselves and to fight this struggle called life on behalf of our children also.To reason with our self when he is crying his heart out and our helplessness in not knowing how to calm the child as we just do not know what is troubling the kid...looking at him with a hope of getting a cue as to what is distressing him is tough call for any parent not just us.
Now in spite of all these conditions trying me day in and day out,I would be a liar if I say I say that I have stopped seeing dreams about my child.I dream of being a good human being.I have sense of relief since the day I realized he was not lacking in emotions and empathy.I still remember the day when kabir had scalded himself accidentally when hew was just three and he was crying bitterly.I did not know how to make him understand what had happened or how to explain that pain will go away...I myself started crying badly and someone wiped my tears gently.I looked up to find my son wiping his tears simultaneously and telling me not to worry ,that everything would be fine.I cried even more,not because I was worried about his burn but because I was relieved to have found my son embracing me,taking on the role of comforter,when all that I was worried about injury.I still cry whenever I remember those moments and smile simultaneously.Since then so many days have passed and my son never stops surprizing me.One day he offered me my inhaler and a glass of water when I was having asthma bout,the other day he was patting my back when i choked on my food.
I dream of him being a success in his life.I don't dream of him being a doctor or an engineer but i dream of him being a self -reliant person.I dream of him being accepted as a part of our society when no one will deny to play with him,or when he would be invited to all the birthday parties that happen around us.I dream of the days when I will send out for chores on his own without being worried whether he would be able to find his way back home.I know it is a long struggle ahead but I dream on.

Money Matters....

I never thought I will talk about it but some recent happenings have made me ponder upon this issue.We were never filthy rich.When I was born, papa just had few rupees in his pocket.But then soon he got a new promising job and since then he always said I was his "laxmi".I brought good days to our family thats wat he believed.I was last affected by what he said or believed.We were comfortable middle class people.My mom also worked,WE kids went to a reputed school and we had a decent and modest upbringing.Our no needs,the truly needed ones ,ever went unfulfilled.As we grew up,the differences between me and my siblings became more noticeable.I was not spendthrift.I was satisfied with my simple life,little hobbies of music and reading and I hardly ever asked for pocket money.I gradually earned the tag of being a miser as i never entertained my friends and family going out of my way.I always believed in entertaining my friends in the comfy cosy comforts of my home.I still believe that and prefer celebrating various occasions at home.
I started earning and my money mostly went in treatment of my heart patient father.That also never worried me.Iwas rather thankful to God that Me and my mom managed to earn enough to manage our household.,Who craved for any luxuries,not me at least.I got married to an affluent family but I didn't want anything from my in laws.I and my husband were happy in our little home sweet home.When kabir was diagnosed with Autism,then for the first time I realized value of money.Now it was the question of providing him a secure future.We are still working on it.For that biggest sacrifice I have made is that I have dropped ,my dream of adopting a baby girl so that we can divert all our earnings for kabir and his future.
Then what happened that I have been made to realize that money matters????I have my parental home in Lucknow.We lived there since 1978.It was my grand parents home.Then it was poassed to my elder uncle,bt then weren't interested in living in lko,so We shifted there and they moved out of lucknow.I was born there and since 1978 till 2005,when I got married.Then my son was also born there.In short it has been my world for ages as it seems to me.I am obsessed with that home.I always imagined that me and my husband will live there post retirement.With all these dreams,I have been living my boring days in pune.Not many will agree but I find pune lacking in warmth what I experienced in lko and no day goes without me comparing my lucknow and pune.it has been almost 5 years when I settled here but I haven't been able to feel as my home town.I still feel like an intruder here,a total stranger.So once a year visit to lucknow will give me satisfaction of being in touch with my roots.
But yesterday me n my mom went to my uncle's place for some paper work regarding our Lucknow home and all of a sudden,he told that he wants to dispose off that home and wants to have the money.We were shell shocked .He says he can spare it for us if we pay him that huge amount that he expects to earn after the sale.That's no way possible.And we have been left with immense sense of loss.If only we wre filthy rich like them We could have done that.That home is all we have as memories of my deceased father and the sweet home that they made there day by day with their love and labour.....We are still grappling with the situation,not knowing how to console ourselves.....Money matters after all.