well desrved vacations.....

It had been years since i took vacations...after marriage.just one visit to kasrla,2 days visit to mahabaleshwar,and numerous visits to mumbai...bt i dnt count them as vacations at all...since last 3 years since adi is abroad..i wanted to go out so many times but kept postponing with a desire that when adi will be bck..we will go on family vacations,but it never happened...i was exhausted dying for a break from monotonous pune...n routine life...finally decided to turn little selfish..finalised on whole 15 days vacation with kabir..though still it was a family trip means visit tyo lko my native city,agra-my masi's place n jhansi my sister's home bt a break is a break...i had a feeling that kabir wants a break from me,seeing me n me pnly..day n night at home...it was my test at his socialising skills also...with  few natural apprehensions at heart..wat if kabir didnt cooperate....n so on i decided to go....bonus was that mumma decided to join me too....
so we left pune on 6th,celebrated mumma's 70th birthday in mumbai n left for lucknow on 8th....jetlite played spoilt sport,delivered luggage next day a whole day visited...bt this didnt dampen our spirits....we visted friends,i met my extended family of my ex students spent some lovely time with salman bhai n his family and searched out my long lost friend shailendra ji...the pleasantly surprized look on his face made my day.
we left for agra on 10th nite,railways played spoilt sport.out of 3 seats only 1 got confirmed,settled mom n kabir n i sat whole nite.bt it didnt dampen our spirit still...whole two days..with masi,bhabhi,bhai and my two neices....and the visit to Tajmahal and Agra fort was the icing on the cake.
on 13th morning we left for jhansi just 2 n half hrs from agra it wasnt tiring...and it was day of diwali so definately we were all the more happy...now we had whole 7 days in hand to celebrate n enjoy with my sis,bro in law and my nephew n neice...kabir's best friends as he calls them...diwali was spent beautifully..actually a gud change after three lonely diwali.....kabir had a nlast too...amazing boy that he is..he has been wonderfully coperative during all these days...n its fourth day today and nw god is playing spoil sport...ma is ill,seriously ill...rt nw admitted in hospital...should i let my indomitable spirits crush down?or shud i keep the faith that ma will be well soon,back home and we will safely and in fine spirits board the plane back home on 20th for mumbai.....time will tell...

Mixed bag...

It was a mixed feelings day....I am still down with  severe skin rashes and the anti allergic leave me dead and dull but thankfully  I never fail to put alarm to wake up and be ready and alert to pick kabir on time.Today I was very hyper because the famous laboratory Religare had misplaced kabir's blood sample for allergy test and iI hadn't warned him enough that he will have to give his blood sample again...morning was too rush rush.
   When I went to pick him I told him that we have to go the hospital again to give blood sample.His face was drawn,he stiffened ,ready to break in to tears...and with just one question"why do I have to get one prick again? "I was so helpless that I wished  I could strangulate the lab people but what to do...here I was taking him against his wish and he obliged just with one sentence that test will help him in knowing now what all he can eat...I hit myself inwards as I mumbled to myself..or what he can't eat...When usually kids of his age don't want to look at chapati n sabji ,all he wants is simple chapati everyday and I can't give him that also because of his food allergies.I am just keeping my fingers crossed that at least his wheat and tomato allergy goes away so that he can eat normal meals at least.
we reached there and he cooperated till the time he got that painful prick...He was crying his heart out and so was me...It always happens and the hospital staff knows it so well that they might be ready with tissues every time provided I allow them to console both of us.But, no, its a very private emotion for both of us.We just wipe each others tears ..then I have a coffee and he has a tub of popcorn and all pain is forgotten soon.Then we went to badi mummy's place.She is my masi as well as tai.so I am very close to her.She is 73 and she has recurrent episodes of amnesia.But she loves me so much that she never fails to recognize me and kabir.Her family envies us too but who cares I go there to meet her.Anyway, as it happened that she was having her afternon siesta...and her care taker didnt tell her tat I had come.but she must have felt my presence as she called out to me in her sleep and my, my was she happy to see me!!!....she was ecstatic..and we spent some good one hour with her..
   Then we went to meet a friend.She was sad and the reason she was sad was personal so cant discuss it here but I did go back to the same time 8 years ago when I had faced the same situation and it had nearly destroyed me.I really wished of only I could take away her pain .She is a fighter she will survive it all but why God has to give pain to people who don't even hurt anyone..I kept thinking all the way back home.After reaching back we attended the last day's aarti and offered prayers and I made last announcement for sunday's autism awareness session.Few people did respond to registration and I decided against my plan that I will do the session even if just 5 people turned up..So the count down begins now...for sunday.
  Then it was time for result declaration for drawing competition.I was nervous...some how knowing that this time kabir didn't have much chance as I glanced at prize winning entries....But at heart I was angry how can society group kids from 5 to ten years in the same group?Wasn't it unfair..a 6 year old child competing against 6 ten year old children .Anyhow I was relieved to notice that kabir wasn't upset or even affected. He just checked on all drawings,it was 8.30 pm already, so he just said that he wanted to go home and sleep.I was relieved that he didn't realize that he had not won...he just wanted to sleep.I was also very tired.It had been a long long day for both of us.while kabir relaxed in front of t.v I cooked,checked my mail n chatted with a good friend.It was all sufficient to relax me.Kabir is sleeping and I am also going to draw the curtains now.Gudnite.

The ball sets rolling.....

It was 10th september2012,I was nervous,my first powerpoint presentation and its success and getting people's attention grabbed was going to be my mantra and aim.Thankfully ,my mom was going to be there to support me....she was there with me for many past days to help me to cope up the sentimental havoc I was facing.I was almost on verge of cancelling the awareness initiative as I didn't want to face anyone not even myself.But she helped me to come out of my wreckage.I got hold on myself and here I was all set for the initiative.

My friends Anita,Disha,Nilesh ,Ravindra,Bharat and Priyanka were with me and I had more than willing audience,eager to join me on this journey of awareness.I forgot all the script that I had prepared...only to get hold of the presentation with words spoken out of my love for my son,my heart totally involved in the cause and my experiences as a parent.People loved it ..I could feel and  seeing their rapt attention and my confidence was boosted.It went on smoothly..from designated 1 hour to two hours.It ended with a sense of satisfaction in my heart and looks of my friends and people who attended it.I was back to centre stage after 4 years and my my ,did I love it...

The ball has set rolling and I m already planning my next presentations in series and last night's  news that the chairman has given me the permission to hold it for society members too has given wings to my flight.My society people are the  most disinterested lot and to hook their attention is a real challenge for A-ACE team...and its giving me the adrenaline rush,one usually experiences in teenage or while facing some real adventure.I m indeed looking forward to it.. Its 14 September today.

LIFE IS GREY....

Life is grey....that was a poem I had written at least 8 yrs back and it got awarded by poetry.com and I was awarded certificate of accomplishment.This poem is mounted on wall of my drawing room.But why am I talking about it suddenly?I have been given new lease of life by my own poem at this most difficult time of my life...my marriage is on the rocks and I was very very bitter,feeling cheated ,angry,shattered and what not...

                      Just 3 days back I was sailing on the moon...On the seventh sky with the hope that my husband is back to us for good and basking in glory of kabir being a finalist at the poetry recitation competition.I was waiting for my husband to be back from his interview trip and that he would attend the function with me...actually kabir was waiting even more eagerly...But it all changed within hours..my husband left again,Kabir was devastated and I was so upset.I was hysterical for hours,For first time my neighbors complained that  I was keeping my t.v too loud...Actually I am glad now that they thought it was t.v not me....I was feeling so bad for kabir.He is seeing his class mates and his friends with their both parents...their father take them out for outing,play with them and help them on day to day basis...He had a wish list of at least ten things he wanted to do with his father..but it never materialized.How do I explain to my 6 year old son that why his father has gone back to his saudi office when just 3 days back he had promised that we will live together!!

       It took me whole one night to get back my composure after being totally hysterical...And in the morning I just saw my poem ..and I smiled.I realized that its all part of life.I can't afford being so angry and upset..it was directly affecting my son,previous night he had a terrible bout of asthma seeing my anger...No way I could allow that to happen to him.I may have lost faith in love but I can't allow him to have that negative attitude towards life and love just when he is exploring the beauty of relations.I pledged to myself that kabir won't experience the bitterness of broken homes.He will not be forced to think ill of his father.He needs his father in his life and he will have it though may be a distance relationship.

     So I am back to my usual life ,avoiding thinking about the bad events of my life.I am trying to be so positive that I am avoiding the slightest of negative thoughts.Last on Monday I just enjoyed the stupendous performance of kabir at the finals,though the nagging English teacher inside was noticing the liitle mistakes that he made,but I pushed her to the back and enjoyed the thrill of this major achievement of my wonderful son.I relished the fact that his vice-principal who had called me to complain about behavioral issues of Kabir,was surprised and very happy with kabir's performance.She told me that "Kabir was really very good" and I could see that look of appreciation for my efforts at his improvement.My day was made.

   So now my next move is to get a good paying job as soon as possible.I need to work and earn to create enough funds for kabir 's future.Though my husband hasn't shrugged off his financoial responsibilties but i don't want to leave anything to chance.Moreover I need to work to keep my over active,over fertile,overtime working brain really busy so that I don't go back to depression and brooding.Yes,Life Is Grey.and it is best this way.If it would be totally white it would be so predictable and boring And if it was all black...it would be so miserable so I love my life with its specks of grey.

Course of My life

Well,well well,the course of my life has been a combination of a kutchi pukki road,with its own offering of potholes and smooth rides.My childhood with its support of my parents towards my excellent education and no compulsion for getting married early was all  a smooth ride for me but ofcourse with  instances of friction with my younger brother and lack of sufficient support from my sister.My career was the best phase ,the Express way drive.Those 9 years of my life were the best years of my life when I got endless affection and recognition and all that I sowed then I am still reaping.In between these years though I  faced few potholes where I survived emotional accidents and finally I met my prince charming at one of the resting stops .I decided to call it a day and decided to hault my journey on somewhere on the express high way and to settle somewhere near the pune city.Since then it has been again a kutchhi pukki road which you find anywhere and every where if you travel. in India.So,no complaints.I am enjoying the normal course of not so normal life.Who knows ,what future has in store for me.Journey hasn't ended yet....it has just reached the midway.....

On Father's Day....

On Father's Day this year,I would love to talk about my papa and kabir's papa both.I have not talked about my papa much in my blogs.But the fact is one of my first two best friends was my father,other was my dadi(grand mother).I was quite a loner in my childhood and for certain reasons didn't gt along well with my mom and my siblings....(today I find it hard to believe myself) .So the only people to whom I communicated at all were my father and my grand ma.My father was totally a self made man,all benefits of being son of  freedom fighter parents connected to big shots of the time was taken by my uncle.My father started working at the age of 17....and worked till age of nearly 60 wen he got confined to bed after two heart attacks. 
             Many people,rather most of the people tell me that I look like my mother...if so thanx to her for my good lucks bt my broad forehead take after my papa and  i am overall my papa's daughter.My nature and temperament take after my papa totally,for good or for bad.Basically I am an introvert and unsocial person like him.like him I prefer staying away from my relatives,like him, prefer staying at home and enjoying its cosy confines,relishing simple home made food.Like him I get along more with with oppositte sex and like him,I don't trust a soul....easily,till  really want to.Like him,I have suffered heart breaks and like him nothing stops me from still committing blunders.Like he fell in love with my mom,and married her against all family pressures..(.yes,I guess love marriages run in my family because of him...:-))I too married Adi against his family wishes.I am a born romantic like my papa,and that papa used to say himself,though not very happily as he knew hw his failures are costing his family a lot and he didn't want me to inherit his traits and his failures in turn.
          He had to leave education after graduation and he realised value of higher education so he always motivated me to go for higher education...and result is today I am double M.A(English literature and History),B.Ed,M.Phil and two professional courses-Diploma in mass co,and advanced diploma in creative writing....and thats yet not enough for me,I want to do course in special education and also do Ph.D.......One dream of his that I could not fulfill was being an I.A.S officer....so he told me that I shouldn't be content being a secondary school teacher but should teach in a  college.He inculcated very high ambitions in me and there he sowed the seeds of rebellion in me....my mom is to be credited for my career and self dependent nature and my grand ma for my independent streak...After graduation,he wanted me to get married...studies could continue later....but by now I was used to success and power of knowledge,and I refused to marry that beginning of decay of our 20 year old friendship....He was shocked by my denial and gradually stopped talking to me much.Though he was proud of my successful career and my success as a teacher and thus my popularity,he wasn't happy.Iwas his eldest and dearest child and he was craving to see me married and settled...but i was just not ready to go for arranged marriage.....his genes of romanticism were taking shape in me and like a true romantic i was waiting for my prince charming.....
      It was 9 may 2004...I met a decent ,very naive and as graceful a man I could ever imagine....within hours we were the best friends,he was from mumbai.....so it was a long distance friendship and within days ...I was head over heels in love with this man.he was Aditya,my future husband....it is said that first love of every daughter is her father.....thats very true....i saw glimpses of my father in aditya....and I respected him  for what a good human being that he was ....we got married within months and till date I have never regretted my decision of marrying this wonderful malayali whom I hardly knew for months.....and I look forward to spending not just one but all my life times to come with him...After marriage,Aditya always supported my independent streak and hasn't been really happy with my decision to be full time home maker after birth of kabir....
Today papa is not there anymore.He died 7 years back....but he died a happy man as I had married by then.
Today I miss him when I want to just go chatty about my childhood.....I want to thank him for the sensitive and romantic soul that I am today.yes,I face lot of problems because of this but I prefer being this way......and because of my adoration for my father,I chose Aditya who is equally a sensitive,introvert man who respects people for their true worth.This father's day i share these moments of my beautiful memories with all those love me and care for me.

MY FOUR WISHES FOR THE GENIE......

I am a dreamer since my childhood....Ialways read loads of fairy tales and belived in magic and dreams coming true.When I met my spouse it was almost like meeting my knight in shining armour who swept me off my feet...it was all so sudden,falling in love at the ripe age of 33 ,marrying at 34 and mother at 35....All was not well,though.my inlaws rejected me and my son both ....but I had a very supportive parental family,who were busy fighting their own demons but they stood by me through thick and thin.
     My son kabir.my beautiful son with his twinkling eyes and sparking dimples...was my most prized possession...I couldn't take my eyes off him when I first took him in my hands....for me the dream extended and I thought  like all fairy tales...it was going to be "they loved happily ever after"but here life taught me a lesson...dreams are dreams ,sometimes they do come true too ...but nothing and nobody remains happily everafter....
For two years ,I was living every moment through the eyes of my son...my in- laws were not well,so my husband was busy attending them,we were hardly meeting twice a week ,but I had no complaints...I had my son and I was basking in glory of his unravelling of various mile stones...he started speaking but his speech seized after calling "papa"...I waited and waited for him to respond to me ,the one who had sacrificed her blooming career to watch her son flourish day by day,moment by moment...some thing was wrong...he was suddenly very irritatble and was crying a lot.We took him to the Dr...She dropped the first bomb shell ,"may be he has a hearing problem"We took him for BERA TEST ....phew!!tests were normal...but a wise old woman dropped the second bomb shell"the way he cries and whines,he looks autistic"if she wudn't havebeen  a old woman,I might have slapped her....I and my husband left the place in a terrible rage..".autism",no it wasn't possible...it can't happen to our only child...I cried and cried...
Then we went to the Developmental Paeditrician...who dropped the ultimate hydrogen bomb-:"kabir is mildly autistic and hyperactive too with delayed speech n poor hand motor skills."It was as if my dreams just shattered and I was not in position to pick even a single piece...as I had to hold onto my senses and my son who was a label now.
There on, it has been a journing of labour,discoveries and various types of therapies.I and kabir are very lucky that we got very supportive therapists who were professionals as well as caring individuals who even trained me into finer parenting skills and the journey is on.....
   I have drifted a lot from the topic but let me tell you all that I have not stopped being a dreamer...as I firmly believe that "those who dare to dream,fulfill their dreams too" So,now I have four wishes to ask the proverbial "Genie" to grant my four wishes...
Firstly he should send back my husband to be with us as kabir really misses him,he is missing the  love and discipline of a father.I firmly believe boys need fathers to grow up to be a good humanbeing and a sturdy male of a decent character....when kabir wants to play sports...and he looks at me for guidance ,I am clueless as i hate sports...bt his father is into so many of them so,i am visualizing my husband and kabir playing on a big playground with all the hulla bullo,and I would be seated amongst the cheering groups,thats the least I can do:-)

Secondly,i want kabir to be accepted as equal by his peer group and people he interacts with.He is a loving,affectionate boy who refuses to accept rejection and that fuels his everyday aggression bouts which I bear....may God give me strength to train him so well into human virtues and patience that he learns to accept what he gets,but change it by his charming manners and attributes...I m wrking and I have to work very hard on this so I need countless strength and patience to keep up my cool and continue my work on kabir.I have got wonderful therapists and doctors here for him.May their support and guidance continue the same way.

Thirdly,I wish that kabir has all the facilities that we need for helping him for  his wholesome development and to help him live his life to the fullest extent.Right now kabir lacks good friends...he is living life through the eyes of his mature companions and I dont want him to lose his innocence in the process..So O' Lord please grant him some true and caring friends who can stop him from living in his make believe world.I pray that kabir is cared for all his life ,by his parents till we keep alive,his immediate family and above all ,may he have a loving circle of friends who will guide him and support him when we won't be there anymore to offer our hands to guide him. 

 And lastly, I want him to develop into a caring and honest human being who would be an asset to the society. He must be financially independent and self dependent.He shouln't change from what he is today.I love his passion for life and zest for living and his smiling affectionate gestures.I love you my son and remember its our hard work that will guide genie into fulfilling our wishes...:-)