Less than Perfect

Today when I was having my evening walk,iImet my neighbor,who asked me where was kabir.I told her that he was at home completing some drawings.She said I must be feeling good that I got some time alone.I didn't answer her,just smiled.She went on chatting and said I must be having a awful life.Now I was curious and asked her why she felt so?She seemed shocked that I was asking this.She said that the fact that kabir was not a normal child and I must be feeling awful that my son is not perfect as we all want our kids to be the best.I gave her a wide grin and told her that I didn't believe in perfection and the fact that kabir is a special child,less than perfect adds to the fact that he has a chance to grow everyday,against our expectations.Then in a little stern voice I asked her what did she mean by saying that kabir was not a normal child.!!Judging my change of mood ,she walked away without answering me.I pitied her as she didnt have the answer to my question.
Why do we all want our kids to be perfect,to be the best?Doesn't perfection means that there wud be no further growth ,isn't being best a relative term?If you ask me,I would hate to be perfect,as it would mean that now on my life will stagnate.And being best is definitely a momentary term.Can anyone be the best all the time?no,i don't think so.And what I didnt like most about what my neighbor said was the implication as if I was sacrificing my life before my son's imperfection and I should be unhappy about what my son was.any mother...ask any mother for her all of her kids are special,and just that one is lesser than the other doesn't imply that she would be loving that kid any lesser.So,in nut shell I would like to tell my neighbour and all those people who think that I am living a sad life and unhappy and discontent over my son's lack of perfection.I want to shake them out of their reverie and tell them in nno uncertain terms that I AM A VERY PROUD MOTHER AND I AM HAPPY ,VERY HAPPY AS MY SON NEVER CEASES TO SURPRIZE ME.I LOVE HIM THE WAY HE IS:-)

on being a special needs mom

How it feels to be a full time home maker and being a special needs mom?Well,it is overwhelming experience to be put mildly.Our duty hours run into 24*7,365 days ,life is hectic n full of hands on responsibilities.We develop extraordinary social interaction skills dealing with therapists,school authorities,doctors on day to day basis and fighting for space and respect our kids in this apathetic society. We develop fierce attitude and tempers shielding our special kids from being discriminated in our society,fighting for equal opportunities for them and struggling to get them their due rights which doesn't come easily to them.We become real jugglers fast gaining expertise in to balancing our lives,our relationships and our funds.We become specialized personal secretaries for our kids, managing appointments with medical professionals,therapy schedules,meetings with school staff,managing time for meeting with any support groups,if any or interacting with them on social networking sites and above all to find time for educating ourselves about the issues as here very truly "knowledge is strength".

Finance management becomes mandatory and we learn how to squeeze in various requirements in to our limited incomes.Belonging to a middle class family doesn't help at all.Balancing the expenses incurred on therapy,medications,good schooling,medical treatment expenses.providing good diet and yet to manage some savings for the future of kids is a real tough task.I still have to manage some good savings as every month some unexpected expenses come and savings get depleted.luckily or unluckily I don't have a second child else i would have been a dilemma of giving preference to whom.We are expected to be the"super moms" managing all the a fore said tasks,managing social relations and managing good mental and physical well being too.N ow that's what i call unachievable.My social relations have taken a backset because my priority remains my son.Moreover if i don't see an understanding behaviour coming my son's way ,i stop interacting all together.It has taken a toll on my expected social circle.To be honest I don't have any friends locally whom I visit regularly,my only outings are to doctor and therapists and my health is severely affected and has alarmed my physician and psychiatrist.I have told and retold by my doctors and counsellors to start thinking about myself and my life away from shadow of autism but i m simply unable to comply as my life begins and ends with thoughts of my son and my husband.I don't know how to relax and unwind.I am chronic patient of insomnia and haven't got enough sleep in last 5 year,

Home maker and special needs moms don't get the break they require and deserve and consequently I too develop sense of isolation so very often. when finally out in public, overburdened moms like me walk around with a lump in their throats because they feel angry and frustrated about the way people are reacting to their child or to their family as a whole. Feelings of inadequacy abound as it seems ‘the public’ is questioning their parenting skills.What we ask for? nothing more than an empathetic (not sympathetic,please note that)attitude towards us and sometimes sharing your valuable time and emotions with us making us feel that we are not fighting a lonely battle.we have company and trust me it does bring a smile on our face.:-)

Child abuse

Child abuse-a topic ,an issue which is very relevant ,not since recent past but since ages,but still a taboo subject which no one wants to discuss .Neither those who have undergone the trauma of it in their childhood ,nor those who haven't experienced and hence are the fortunate ones

A victim of child abuse is scarred for life.They have undergone ill treatment at the hands of strangers as well as the trusted ones;someone from their own family or among the relatives,the so called trusted ones;someone from their own family or among the relatives.The victim are no more only the nubile,young girls but young and adolescent boys as well.When they face these traumatic experiences,they undergo a range of feelings.Firstly there is confusion as they do not realize what is happening with them.then there is feeling of shame and guilt as they often feel that it must be some of their own fault that they are being manhandled.there is lot of anguish and the biggest problem and pain is that they do not know whom to tell .If they tell their parents,and some relative is involved,99% chance is that parents won't believe.This is what has happened with so many of my acquaintances and this leads to increase in sense of insecurity and loneliness.They grow up with these feelings and a battered personality where they find it very difficult to trust the known and the strangers alike.

As a mother of 5 year old son i am also undergoing the same fear these days.When one of the days ,my son comes and tell me"ma,uncle pinched me,uncle loved me",i don't know how to find out the culprit and to what intentions and to what extent my son has been teased or ill-treated.It makes me feel so helpless and i spent countless nights sleepless,wondering how safe my son is when he steps out in the outside world.How do i protect him from all the evil eyes and how do i educate him to protect himself from being abused.

Here comes the issue of,a very important one,training our children against these evil practice of child abuse.We need to teach them about the "good touch" and the "bad touch" right from the age of 3+.I've also started telling my son about the bad touch and how to say NO.We need to make them realize that we are there to protect them and they can confide their innermost and darkest fears,if they ever under go some experience which they find uncomfortable.Also we need to teach them about the "circle of trust" that is whom they should allow to come near them and shower their affection.To what extent even patting and cuddling is to be allowed.

We have to raise our kids in a very unsafe world(where even 3 months baby girls are raped and where even fathers molest their kids) but without making them lose their faith in the goodness of humans and trust.It's indeed a tricky job but "we" mothers are capable of it:-). We just have to be alert and sensitive both,without getting lost in the responsibilities that comes with being a woman and the endless chores we are entrusted with in our day to day life.keep the faith

nalini

TheProblem Called Love

My friends and people close to me know I am a die-hard romantic who loves to see life through rose colored spectacles.I am a die hard optimist too,believing that one day everything will come around and every thing will be sorted out.Born as the eldest one out of my siblings and being introvert by nature,I didn't know how to wriggle out of responsibilities or to rebel against the limitations and restrictions,as I always believed that"whatever happens,happens for the Good".I have no regrets except that being introvert I lost out on valuable fun time wid my brother and sister.They knew how to live life with maximum fun.But it didn't mean that I didn't love my family.I loved them very much and when they didn't understand what I felt for them it really hurt me.That's the problem of loving people.
That is the problem called love.That's the problem of not being able to remain detached.That is the problem of expecting something out of every relation where we invest time,energy and especially our emotions.Since child hood I have been the typical senti type.Getting too attached to people I liked and being honest and loyal towards them.But was it always rewarded back the same way ? No.Did it stop me from loving them? o.Then I shouldn't be complaining....Thats where being optimist comes.Every time some one would hurt me I would shed few tears and be back to them the very next day.Would you believe that I only had one best friend throughout my school n college life.And here was the big fact that for me she was my best and only friend but I wasn't the same for her.She was beautiful,and she was popular.I sometimes felt that I was just one of her countless admirers.She is still precious to me but she hardly reverts back to me in years.
I am not writing this entry to list out my complaints against people who used me as their emotional anchor whenever they needed me and then walked over me making me feel like a doormat.It hass happened time and again.And here is why that now I called love as a problem.It makes you weak .It makes you dependent.You crave for things and people who simply don't belong to you.I keep learning this lesson every other day and what it is doing to me....It is making me cynical and skeptical.Some where I have become cold hearted but that still does not stop me from loving people who love me,who care for me.Because I know what it means to have unrequited love.And please don't take the word "love" in only usual sense when I use it here,I mean it as it encompasses all of us-the human being through myriad emotions and all possible sort of relations.At the end of the day,it all boils down to one basic fact-we are humans,the only creations of God who know how to love and express it the way we care for people.May be I look at every new person coming into my life with question mark in my mind but then who said being human was easy.life never promised to be easy and so at the end of the day if love is a problem,a difficult problem ,so be it,it adds a dash of spice to our life.Lets learn how to enjoy it and savor it.

HERE COMES HOLI AGAIN....

Here comes Holi again and once again I m so low for 3rd year in a row.There was a time when I used to anxiously wait for this favorite festival of mine but then those were Lucknow days.One week before i would start doing the preparations.I would go the khoya(mawa) mandi of my lovely city and procure the best khoya for making gujhiyas.Then I would go to market to get the best dry n wet colors to be used for holi.I loved the traditional abeer and gulaal.Then would come the turn of making countless types of papads(I was an expert) and mathri,shakar paras,dalmoths and every possible type of holi special delicacies.It would rain for at least 2-3 times before holi,making it slightly cold.
On the day of holi,getting up early ,I and papa would go for holi puja,then at home offer colors and delicacies to various deities and then it was just the MASTI TIME.....colours and colours all around.People used to find it strange that a shy and introvert girl like me loved Holi!But yes,I did,perhaps it had something to do with the colors and delicacies.But gone are those days.Things started mellowing down after papa's death.It was me,papa and bro who loved Holi.My mom and sister hated it.At least the smearing of colors part...Bhai went out of station ,papa was no more n first holi after that even Adi wasn't there.but following 2-3 years I enjoyed a lot as thankfully my husband loved Holi too.
In pune holi is boring.and then he went abroad so all my interest in Holi waned.I would just stand in my balcony and watch all the fun and frolic going around ,the hullabaloo of the kids and all.This year also Holi is going to be a dry,colorless affair for me.I miss those lucknow days of Holi...I MISS YOU.......

I DREAM.....

As I hold fingers of my son,patting him to sleep,I remember those days when his Autism was declared,,,Those days were wrought with worries about his future,worries of my relation with him,and a fear whether I would get to see his special smile for me or I will get a love filled hug from him as all my knowledge of Autism was all about lack of emotions,alienation from the world all around and lack of social skills.He was my first born and definitely I had beautiful dreams of days ahead but now it was a question of just about surviving day by day.As any of autism parents would agree that with the diagnosis not only we start working on our child but also on ourselves.We start honing our patience,our parenting skills,to expect less and lesser,to live in present not hoping for anything but just to accept whatever comes our way.It is also about setting high standards for ourselves as initially it is a battle with ourselves and to fight this struggle called life on behalf of our children also.To reason with our self when he is crying his heart out and our helplessness in not knowing how to calm the child as we just do not know what is troubling the kid...looking at him with a hope of getting a cue as to what is distressing him is tough call for any parent not just us.
Now in spite of all these conditions trying me day in and day out,I would be a liar if I say I say that I have stopped seeing dreams about my child.I dream of being a good human being.I have sense of relief since the day I realized he was not lacking in emotions and empathy.I still remember the day when kabir had scalded himself accidentally when hew was just three and he was crying bitterly.I did not know how to make him understand what had happened or how to explain that pain will go away...I myself started crying badly and someone wiped my tears gently.I looked up to find my son wiping his tears simultaneously and telling me not to worry ,that everything would be fine.I cried even more,not because I was worried about his burn but because I was relieved to have found my son embracing me,taking on the role of comforter,when all that I was worried about injury.I still cry whenever I remember those moments and smile simultaneously.Since then so many days have passed and my son never stops surprizing me.One day he offered me my inhaler and a glass of water when I was having asthma bout,the other day he was patting my back when i choked on my food.
I dream of him being a success in his life.I don't dream of him being a doctor or an engineer but i dream of him being a self -reliant person.I dream of him being accepted as a part of our society when no one will deny to play with him,or when he would be invited to all the birthday parties that happen around us.I dream of the days when I will send out for chores on his own without being worried whether he would be able to find his way back home.I know it is a long struggle ahead but I dream on.

Money Matters....

I never thought I will talk about it but some recent happenings have made me ponder upon this issue.We were never filthy rich.When I was born, papa just had few rupees in his pocket.But then soon he got a new promising job and since then he always said I was his "laxmi".I brought good days to our family thats wat he believed.I was last affected by what he said or believed.We were comfortable middle class people.My mom also worked,WE kids went to a reputed school and we had a decent and modest upbringing.Our no needs,the truly needed ones ,ever went unfulfilled.As we grew up,the differences between me and my siblings became more noticeable.I was not spendthrift.I was satisfied with my simple life,little hobbies of music and reading and I hardly ever asked for pocket money.I gradually earned the tag of being a miser as i never entertained my friends and family going out of my way.I always believed in entertaining my friends in the comfy cosy comforts of my home.I still believe that and prefer celebrating various occasions at home.
I started earning and my money mostly went in treatment of my heart patient father.That also never worried me.Iwas rather thankful to God that Me and my mom managed to earn enough to manage our household.,Who craved for any luxuries,not me at least.I got married to an affluent family but I didn't want anything from my in laws.I and my husband were happy in our little home sweet home.When kabir was diagnosed with Autism,then for the first time I realized value of money.Now it was the question of providing him a secure future.We are still working on it.For that biggest sacrifice I have made is that I have dropped ,my dream of adopting a baby girl so that we can divert all our earnings for kabir and his future.
Then what happened that I have been made to realize that money matters????I have my parental home in Lucknow.We lived there since 1978.It was my grand parents home.Then it was poassed to my elder uncle,bt then weren't interested in living in lko,so We shifted there and they moved out of lucknow.I was born there and since 1978 till 2005,when I got married.Then my son was also born there.In short it has been my world for ages as it seems to me.I am obsessed with that home.I always imagined that me and my husband will live there post retirement.With all these dreams,I have been living my boring days in pune.Not many will agree but I find pune lacking in warmth what I experienced in lko and no day goes without me comparing my lucknow and pune.it has been almost 5 years when I settled here but I haven't been able to feel as my home town.I still feel like an intruder here,a total stranger.So once a year visit to lucknow will give me satisfaction of being in touch with my roots.
But yesterday me n my mom went to my uncle's place for some paper work regarding our Lucknow home and all of a sudden,he told that he wants to dispose off that home and wants to have the money.We were shell shocked .He says he can spare it for us if we pay him that huge amount that he expects to earn after the sale.That's no way possible.And we have been left with immense sense of loss.If only we wre filthy rich like them We could have done that.That home is all we have as memories of my deceased father and the sweet home that they made there day by day with their love and labour.....We are still grappling with the situation,not knowing how to console ourselves.....Money matters after all.